Hope's Story

Each year at a ceremony honoring Lund's young woman and their achievements, a former client comes and speaks. Hope spoke at the annual Honoring Ceremony on June 19, 2009. At the time of her presentation she was employed at HowardCenter Act 1/Bridge Program. She joined the Lund staff as a Case Manager on June 29, 2009. This is her story.

Growing up, my life was very chaotic and overwhelming. My mother had to raise me and my three siblings on her own. My father lived out of state and I rarely saw him. To help her cope with the stress she experienced as a single mother, she would use drugs and alcohol to help numb her pain. I don’t ever really remember feeling loved or supported growing up. I was very angry because all I ever wanted were parents that were sober and who could express their love for me. I wanted someone to interact with me and teach me how to grow as a person. I wanted what I perceived as a “normal” life but I did not have that.

When I was in middle school, the state removed my sister and me from my mother’s care, placing us with our grandparents. My grandparents provided a very loving and supportive home. I had everything I had ever wanted. I was still angry and unhappy. At the age of 18, I came to the conclusion that I was an adult, so I decided to drop out of high school and live on my own. Between the ages of 18 and 22, I was homeless and I began using drugs and alcohol. It started out that I would use occasionally but it quickly progressed. I noticed that when I would use, I would feel nothing. It felt good to be numb and I wanted this feeling every day. I began using dangerous drugs and drinking heavily. I would black out on a regular basis and eventually I overdosed. Luckily, the overdose didn’t end my life. One would think that because I had overdosed and could have died, I would have stopped using. This should have been my bottom but it wasn’t.

By 24 years old, I had three children and was a single mother. I wasn’t ready to be a mother and I didn’t want to be one either. My children were neglected and I did not care for them properly. I desperately desired to be the mother that I had always wanted. One who loved her children and would do anything for them. I just couldn’t do it. I started selling drugs to pay for my habit. I would use with my children in the same room and I would allow dangerous people to be around them. I did not see any of it as a problem. I had created the same environment for my children that my mother had created for me.

One day, an investigator from the Department of Children and Families came to my home. Several people in my life were concerned and reported my situation to the state. I honestly believed that no one knew about my addiction or how it affected my life. When I saw the investigator, I just broke down. I knew that I could no longer expose my children to my addiction. The only way they could have a good life is if they weren’t with me. I asked the state to take custody of my children and place them in a suitable home. They took my children that day. I realized that the best thing for everyone would be if I terminated my parental rights. I did not get sober that day. This is one of the worst things that a mother can experience and it wasn’t my bottom. I continued to use, place myself in dangerous situations, and was homeless once again.

In March 2005, I was living in a hotel and struggling to survive. I could barely take care of myself and I learned that I would soon have another life to care for. I was pregnant. I was devastated. There was no way that I could care for a child in the state I was in. I could not expose this child to the same situations my other children had to live through. I decided that I needed to change my life.

I entered the Lund Family Center Residential Program in April 2005. When I entered this program, I was scared, frightened, and resistant to everything. I did not want to follow any rules and I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me what to do, especially women that did not have any children or weren’t in recovery. How could they understand anything that I was going through? The problem was I needed someone to tell me what to do. I did not know what was best for me. By doing things my way, I had ruined my life. These women, even if they weren’t in recovery or didn’t have children, were living good lives. They were doing something I wasn’t. I could learn a great deal from them. There came a point when I decided that I needed to listen to my treatment team. I was tired of fighting. I needed to participate in the groups and be honest with my substance abuse counselor.

I would drag my feet every week when I would go to see my counselor. I knew that the minute I entered her office, I would break down. It was very painful to discuss my feeling and the events I had experienced throughout my life. I had started using drugs and alcohol because I didn’t want to talk about my feelings. I wanted to cover them up. The only way that I was going to feel better was if I forced myself to talk about my issues. Each time I left her office, I felt better. I learned about the reasons why I used drugs and alcohol. I learned how to properly cope with stress and painful situations. It felt good to have people listen to me and care about me. I began to grow and my relationships improved with those around me. I remained at the Lund Family Center until July of 2005.

When I left Lund, I was equipped with the tools needed to live a sober and productive life. When I was angry or sad, I would talk about it with someone. When I would see someone that I use to get high or drunk with, I would tell them that I was sober and wanted nothing to do with that lifestyle. Also, I developed a support system and used it. Also, I became involved with an outpatient counselor so I could continue to work through my childhood trauma. In November of 2005, I gave birth to my beautiful son, LaBraun, and in July of last year, I gave birth to my second son, DaShawn. Because of the treatment I have received at Lund, I have a genuine desire to be a mother. I want to give them a better life than I ever had.

In November of 2006, I had achieved two years of sobriety. I learned of an opening at the Act 1/Bridge Program, which is a drug and alcohol detox located here in Burlington. I was encouraged to apply for the position and I did. I was surprised when I was granted an interview. I began working at Act 1 that month.
For the last 2 ½ years, I have been employed at the Act 1/Bridge Program as a Substance Abuse Clinician. My job requires that I monitor individuals that are experiencing physical withdrawals from their drug and alcohol use. I help them learn about their addiction and assist them in finding further treatment. It was one of the most difficult and amazing jobs that I have ever had. I am reminded every day of the devastation that substance abuse has on addicts and their families but I have seen and been part of the miraculous changes a person can make when they overcome their addictions.

Two years ago, I began taking classes at the Community College of Vermont. It is very rewarding to be in school and know that I am one step closer to achieving my goals. In the fall of next year, I hope to transfer to UVM to major in Social Work and Sociology. I never thought that I would have been able to handle the stress of working full-time, caring for two children, and going to school. The reason I am able to do it is because I want a better life. I am determined to never go back to the way my life once was.

Today, I can say that at times I am saddened by the choices I made in my life but I would never take any of it back. Those choices made me the person I am today. They allowed me to get an in-depth understanding of the struggles women face with addiction, poverty, and abuse. I would never be able to do it, if my life had been any different. The only reason that I am here today is because of the Lund Family Center and its amazing program. It truly saved my life. I came into this program angry and defiant. I was resistant and difficult. Despite all of this, the staff supported me and continued to show that they cared for me. They broke down my walls and helped build me back up. I will never be able to express how truly grateful I am that this program exists.

I challenge each one of you to use this program to the fullest. They say nothing is guaranteed but I guarantee you that if you keep an open mind and follow the recommendations of your treatment team; your life will be changed. Nothing can be worse, than how your life once was. It can only get better. It will not be easy to turn your life around. It will be painful and difficult at times but it will be worth it. I promise you.

Thank you so much for allowing me the opportunity to share my experience with all of you. Finally, thank you to the Lund Family Center and its remarkable staff for the vital role that you play in the lives of struggling women. This program is an invaluable resource in our community. Thank you for giving me my life back.

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For more information regarding Lund Family Center, please contact Kitty Bartlett at
(802) 864-7467 or via email at kittyb@lundfamilycenter.org.